Balance is a universal struggle. Growing up we have to balance play time and chores or homework. Later it may be the same thing: balancing work and relaxing or friend. What happens when its not something to do, but something that's an innate part of you?
I have two levels. I overthink.. everything. I question whether I should say anything. I wonder if someone is mad at me because I haven't heard from them. I panic because I think one thing I said offended someone or scared them. I feel terrible and it sits in the pit of my stomach until I find some point to prove that they aren't mad or hurt. That point can be from them directly telling me they're fine; they were just distracted or it can be a simple smile when they start talking to me again.
And then, there's the complete opposite. There's the word vomit. The funny retorts you just let fall out as soon as the set up is heard. There's the conversations you don't even think about; the ones that flow and you don't even know what you're talking about because you're so at ease.
I've put my foot in my mouth so many times I'm surprised I don't have the permanent taste of it. I've let my guard a few times thinking, "I'm in a group where it's all fine. They joke with each other and give each other a hard time. I can too." That moment I just off the overthinking switch to analyze everything that even might come out of my mouth, every word seems to come out wrong. There's always the few zingers that are executed perfectly, which only leaves me thinking it's all ok and I might not need to keep that switch on so much. That's when it all comes rolling back downhill. Usually, it's fine and everyone just laughs at my expense and embarrassment.
I'm to the point where i'm used to people laughing at my mistakes. It's said that you're only truly comfortable with yourself, when you can laugh at yourself. Which I sure can. My face is still beet red when I do but I do.
It's not until that one person stops and looks you dead in the face and says, "You should really think about what you say before you even open up your mouth." The cold seriousness in their eyes is what shoots through you. And that last knot to tie in your stomach is when it's someone you actually considered your friend and who, out of the group, is considered the sweetest one of them all. Nothing will latch that padlock in place to keep your overthinking switch on.
Everyone has at least one thing they struggle to balance. All you can do is your best to control it so it won't overwhelm you. I wish I could talk from experience on how to find your balance or manage it. I just take it in strides and try to use each stumble up the hill to learn from.
