Balance Your Mouth and Brain

Balance is a universal struggle. Growing up we have to balance play time and chores or homework. Later it may be the same thing: balancing work and relaxing or friend. What happens when its not something to do, but something that's an innate part of you?

I have two levels. I overthink.. everything. I question whether I should say anything. I wonder if someone is mad at me because I haven't heard from them. I panic because I think one thing I said offended someone or scared them. I feel terrible and it sits in the pit of my stomach until I find some point to prove that they aren't mad or hurt. That point can be from them directly telling me they're fine; they were just distracted or it can be a simple smile when they start talking to me again.

And then, there's the complete opposite. There's the word vomit. The funny retorts you just let fall out as soon as the set up is heard. There's the conversations you don't even think about; the ones that flow and you don't even know what you're talking about because you're so at ease.

I've put my foot in my mouth so many times I'm surprised I don't have the permanent taste of it. I've let my guard a few times thinking, "I'm in a group where it's all fine. They joke with each other and give each other a hard time. I can too." That moment I just off the overthinking switch to analyze everything that even might come out of my mouth, every word seems to come out wrong. There's always the few zingers that are executed perfectly, which only leaves me thinking it's all ok and I might not need to keep that switch on so much. That's when it all comes rolling back downhill. Usually, it's fine and everyone just laughs at my expense and embarrassment.

I'm to the point where i'm used to people laughing at my mistakes. It's said that you're only truly comfortable with yourself, when you can laugh at yourself. Which I sure can. My face is still beet red when I do but I do.

It's not until that one person stops and looks you dead in the face and says, "You should really think about what you say before you even open up your mouth." The cold seriousness in their eyes is what shoots through you. And that last knot to tie in your stomach is when it's someone you actually considered your friend and who, out of the group, is considered the sweetest one of them all. Nothing will latch that padlock in place to keep your overthinking switch on.

Everyone has at least one thing they struggle to balance. All you can do is your best to control it so it won't overwhelm you. I wish I could talk from experience on how to find your balance or manage it. I just take it in strides and try to use each stumble up the hill to learn from.

Separate Pieces of Your Life

Everyone has different pieces of their life. Some parts, more separate than others. There's work, friend groups, significant others, family. Sometimes multiple groups of some. You don't always act the same or say the same thing with each group. You might not say the same comments or jokes in front of your friends as you might your family or your coworkers. At least, not all the crass jokes that come to my mind. You might not even say the same types of jokes with different groups of friends. Some people are able to mix these groups while others keep those pieces very separate. Whether that separation is out of desire to keep it that way or just don't know how to mix them.

People who can intermingle all parts of their life, I find mind boggling. At work you need to be a little more serious or focused with your coworkers and even more so, those you work above. With family, there's more leeway. With southern families, in my experience, you still have the level of respect and decorum. The crass stuff isn't always talked about with ones parents. Then there's your friends. The ones you make dirty jokes with or throw crude gestures at or get a little too drunk with to blow off some steam. Sometimes there's even the different friend groups where some you do that partying with and others you do the classier cultural events.

Yes, some people may be less broad in their attitudes and choice in leisure activities, but there's always something you don't share with one of the groups. It could be don't need to or just don't want to. Integrating all those parts of your life, can be stressful. Or not even make sense. Or not sure if it's possible. Do the friends you act serious and adult like with want to see you in your childish, rebellious moments that you still have? Does it make sense to still have those moments where you loose your common sense or inhibitions when you have your degree and already on your way through your next 5 year plan, maybe even 10 year? Or when you try and meet someone, how do you show them all sides of you? You want to bring them work events and not have them embarrass you, or have them hang out with your friends and not get terrified of that side of you.

Finding that balance can be even harder than finding someone or some friends in the first place. I still believe that there's a puzzle piece to be able connect as many parts of your life as you have. This can be a best friend or a love of your life. (If your lucky, both) That effort to dig through pile to find it can be daunting and quite lengthy.